Texting the Wrong Person

Trigger warning, maybe? But u have been warned.

Last night. I didn't have one of my better moments. The goal was to enjoy a cruise party and make magnificent love to my spouse of 28 years. That's not how the evening would go 😌

I was speaking to my partner who is in Jax this week with her parents and I knew she was leaving eventually to spend time with her other partner. I had not heard from her so I figured I'd send her a note wishing she had an enjoyable evening and that I loved her very much. The problem? The msg went to my spouse instead 🤦🏾‍♂️

Knowing I fucked up, I immediately owned it and told her as much. She asked me if I wanted to have the hard convo now or later, and I elected for right now. I didn't want that hanging over my head all night causing me not to sleep. So we got up to have the hard convo. I got woozy and lightheaded and before I knew it, I was falling to the ground. To be honest, I dont know if I hit the ground on my own or if someone was watching and gracefully ushered me to the ground. But I spent about 10 minutes talking to a first responder and eventually being wheel chaired to the medical space on the ship. 

I got asked the usual questions. Are u drunk? No, I had one drink. We're u in the sun? Yea, but I've been hydrating all day. Are u eating well? Not exactly. Are u sleeping well? No, not really. They checked my vitals which were all normal and they wheelchairs me back to my cabin to rest. 

After maybe 30 more minutes, I just sobbed to my spouse apologizing for ruining the cruise and not living up to whatever standards. The entire cruise, I was trying to make sure she got her needs met only to realize I wasn't getting my needs met. Additionally, my other partner in Jax was enjoying her week spending time with a new partner. It was too much for my Lil heart. 

What does this all mean? I have more work to do individually. I need to accept being able to not be all things to all my partners and when someone else can offer something that I can't, that's okay. Additionally, I have to be able to let go of expectations and let my partners be who they are with or without me. This shit isn't easy nor is it for the faint of heart. 

But I did purchase what I am calling an anxiety bracelet. I've named it 'Cool Runnings' as a reminder to myself that I'm good, I'm safe, and whatever my body is telling me, its trying to protect me. But most important, I am good and my partners love me very much. I hope the bracelet acts as a reminder for me to tell myself that I am safe and my partners love me. 

Since passing out, I am good. I'm staying mindful of my physical self and teying not to overdo it. Lastly, I've reached out to my partner in Jax to indicate I need to reduce my time texting her to focus on my spouse. She completely understood and I appreciate her so much. My spouse has been really supportive about my health and despite the huge fuck up, she understands. She's hurt, understandably. But we've been able to talk about it. 

This polyam ish is hard yall!