091927 - Broken

"Unbothered by the chaos swirling around outside

In your arms is where I want to live and die"

Prince "Soul Sanctuary"

The quote above is a song lyric from one of the greatest song writers of all time. This morning, as i was driving home from visiting my partner, this song came on and those lyrics were being whispered through the speakers into my ear. I immediately started balling 😭😭

Those song lyrics 20 years ago hit very differently than they did when I heard them today. How so? Glad u asked the question (lol). 20 years ago, we were working toward 10 years of marriage. Things were never perfect, but they were great and I genuinely believed her arms were where i wanted to live, breathe and possibly die.

Today was the first time since we said "I Do", where hearing those lyrics generated anxiety and doubt. I lost it! Uncontrollable crying to the point of consoling not being at all helpful. It's the first time my body (and mind) have said in unison to my conscious "Hey there buddy! I know you're in your feels and whatnot about your spouse and what may or may not happen. But as of right now, u might wanna put more thought into your future self with her. OUR peace is paramount and we won't negotiate that!". 

It's left me in serious mourning of our past and anxious about what our future may (or may not) be. It's scary as hell and really for the first time, i am seriously contemplating a future without her. My partner has been amazing throughout this morning's ordeal. 

Since that moment, I've spoken my truth with my spouse. I know it was hard for her to hear, but she listened. She didn't try to talk over me. And more importantly, she didn't offer to fix a thing, which is what I wanted. She needed to know my ugly, transparent truth regardless to how it made her feel. But I spoke my truth, cried some more, and have now journaled to continue the processing. Yay! Go me! 😘💋

0914261107

Tell me my needs mean

nothing. U want me to fix

you and ignore me

What are we doing 

if I can't regulate my

own nervous system?

07301532

You may love me, but

What the hell are we doing

If you dont like me?

Uno de Mayo

No convo about

The missus. Your boundaries

Can bite on the ass 

If that's what you want,

the hill u choose to die on,

Own your role in it

Three Nineteen

No change on homefront

I'm still walking on eggshells

It doesn't feel good

Time will Tell

Time will tell if your

Behavior will change. Two weeks

and you've doubled down

Duly noted 

mid-February Blues Pt 3

   You wanna hear me

   say all naughty fantasies

   pertaining to you?

   I want to pleasure 

   your ass, pussy, and mouth

   in one fuck session 

We got home really early Monday morning. We were both worn out and since we had the day off, we slept in. We had nowhere to be, so what better way to enjoy the day off than intimacy in the middle of the day? Nope! She was worn out, starting to feel sick and her menstrual cycle made an unscheduled appearance. I'm the loving, doting hubby who wants to make it all go away so I went into caretaker mode. 

Tuesday was already a scheduled day to spend with my partner. I was certainly looking forward to it giveb the level of desire I'd been wishing for so long. Plus...it had been a week since the last time I saw her. A few hrs before I'd planned to meet her. I was debating calling spouse to see if she needed cold meds from the store. Before I got to call, she'd text me to say her partner was coming over tonight 😡😡

So why am I disappointed...frustrated....angry? Inspect over 5 days with this woman and she wanted nothing to do with me sexually. She's sick...and on her cycle...yet she wanted to spend it with her partner and not me!.it was the ultimately feeling of not being desired, feeling unwanted and most of all, being taken for granted. I bottled it so that I could talk to my therapist at the end of the week (Friday). 

The weekend was Valentine's day weekend and it didnt feel right to even bring it up Friday. So I made sure to tell her that we needed to talk sunday following all the V-day plans with other partners as well as ourselves. She had no idea whT I was planning to bring up. We hung out eith our other partners and even had a wonderful.V-dY dinner ourselves (and before u ask, no. There was no sex). By now, I've stopped asking and have taking the hint that she just doesnt seaire that from me. 

So sunday comes, I get up to make pancake mix (yes from scratch) as well as cook bacon and scramble 2 eggs for myself. Breakfast was good and now was as good a time as any to have this discussion. I started to explain just how hurt and rejected i felt by initiating for intimacy not once, not twice, but multiple times in Vegas as well as since we'd been home and how she'd rejected the advances. And how the one time she didnt reject it, as much as it appreciated it, it felt like a pity fuck. I then explained how I accepted the number of reasons why she didnt want sex after we got home (she's sick, my cycle, etc) yet none of those reasons prevented her from spending time and sharing intimacy with her partner. At this point she asked me how I'd known they had sex. "Well if having the sheets in the washer and comforter in the dryer isnt a tell tale of intimacy happening, I dont know what is!". I walk past the laundry room in order to get in the house. How dare u question my reality and try to make it seem as though I am misunderstanding! 

She owned up to it but asked another baffling question. She asked me "What is do u want? What is the end goal here?" The end goal is to own your shit and accept that you are taking me for granted! Own the fact that u move the goalposts to suit your needs! Own the fact that u agreed to us rescheduling intimacy if we reject sexual advances and now you're going back.on your agreement! That's all I want. Own your poor behavior!

Time will tell if the poor behavior continues....