mid-February Blues Pt 3

   You wanna hear me

   say all naughty fantasies

   pertaining to you?

   I want to pleasure 

   your ass, pussy, and mouth

   in one fuck session 

We got home really early Monday morning. We were both worn out and since we had the day off, we slept in. We had nowhere to be, so what better way to enjoy the day off than intimacy in the middle of the day? Nope! She was worn out, starting to feel sick and her menstrual cycle made an unscheduled appearance. I'm the loving, doting hubby who wants to make it all go away so I went into caretaker mode. 

Tuesday was already a scheduled day to spend with my partner. I was certainly looking forward to it giveb the level of desire I'd been wishing for so long. Plus...it had been a week since the last time I saw her. A few hrs before I'd planned to meet her. I was debating calling spouse to see if she needed cold meds from the store. Before I got to call, she'd text me to say her partner was coming over tonight 😡😡

So why am I disappointed...frustrated....angry? Inspect over 5 days with this woman and she wanted nothing to do with me sexually. She's sick...and on her cycle...yet she wanted to spend it with her partner and not me!.it was the ultimately feeling of not being desired, feeling unwanted and most of all, being taken for granted. I bottled it so that I could talk to my therapist at the end of the week (Friday). 

The weekend was Valentine's day weekend and it didnt feel right to even bring it up Friday. So I made sure to tell her that we needed to talk sunday following all the V-day plans with other partners as well as ourselves. She had no idea whT I was planning to bring up. We hung out eith our other partners and even had a wonderful.V-dY dinner ourselves (and before u ask, no. There was no sex). By now, I've stopped asking and have taking the hint that she just doesnt seaire that from me. 

So sunday comes, I get up to make pancake mix (yes from scratch) as well as cook bacon and scramble 2 eggs for myself. Breakfast was good and now was as good a time as any to have this discussion. I started to explain just how hurt and rejected i felt by initiating for intimacy not once, not twice, but multiple times in Vegas as well as since we'd been home and how she'd rejected the advances. And how the one time she didnt reject it, as much as it appreciated it, it felt like a pity fuck. I then explained how I accepted the number of reasons why she didnt want sex after we got home (she's sick, my cycle, etc) yet none of those reasons prevented her from spending time and sharing intimacy with her partner. At this point she asked me how I'd known they had sex. "Well if having the sheets in the washer and comforter in the dryer isnt a tell tale of intimacy happening, I dont know what is!". I walk past the laundry room in order to get in the house. How dare u question my reality and try to make it seem as though I am misunderstanding! 

She owned up to it but asked another baffling question. She asked me "What is do u want? What is the end goal here?" The end goal is to own your shit and accept that you are taking me for granted! Own the fact that u move the goalposts to suit your needs! Own the fact that u agreed to us rescheduling intimacy if we reject sexual advances and now you're going back.on your agreement! That's all I want. Own your poor behavior!

Time will tell if the poor behavior continues....

mid-February Blues Pt 2

   Oh Las Vegas, Hells

   Kitchen was a fantastic 

   food experience 

So far, we've been in Vegas since late Thur evening. Full days on fri and sat...no sexy time. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Its super bowl day and the plan is really to chill the fuck out. I didnt ask for sexy time sunday morning. Mostly in an attempt to 1) give it a break and 2) to see if maybe she would initiate. Needless to say, that didnt happen. We ate breakfast and went to the resort pool to enjoy some hot tub time. It was a perfect day to enjoy the pool. We spent hours there...fot a nice gold tan 😂 and went upstairs to shower and figure out where to watch the game. At this point, I am dying inside! I really just wanted to have intimate time with my spouse. I practically begged (not proud of it). She was not interested in it for herself but I think she could see my need for it, so she relented. 

It was enjoyable in the sense that I needed to get off...but not enjoyable in that she was basically doing it for me and not herself. It was a mixed bag of enjoyment and frustration but I appreciated the act. 

The super started and we decided to sit at the bar at Emeril Lagasse's seafood kitchen. They had skillet cornbread that was simply amazing! I had a smokey old fashioned while watching the game. It went as expected. Patriots would keep it close but Seahawks would win in a not ao close game.

The evening following the game was time to eat a bite, pack, get some sleep, shower, get dressed and head to the airport for our return trip home. All went well until it was time to catch our Uber to get back to the airport. There was an accident that was blocking entry into our resort. Uber drivers kept canceling the booking and finally one driver called to explain what was going on. We agreed to meet off property but nearby. We walked and called the driver and they were nowhere near where they were supposed to be. We happened to cross the street and a taxi driver stopped to ask if we needed a ride. We damn sure needed a ride! And we managed to get to the airport reasonably on time.

Lastly we landed in Atl around 630a Monday morning. 

It was an amazing experience! The highlight being Hells Kitchen and the MJ one show. The low-light was Eddie Griffin. Would do it all over again...maybe with different expectations regarding intimacy. 

mid-February Blues Pt 1

  

   Valentine's Day is

   reminding you are cherished 

   loved and desired 💜💜

   Hoping u feel loved

   everyday beyond today

   until my last breath

Valentine's day was a great day. I celebrated with two partners. One partner had all day Friday through noon Saturday. My spouse was celebrated the remainder of the day theough Sunday. But I'm not hear to talk about the lovey dovey Eros stuff. Lets talk about the hard ish shall we?

Last weekend (2/6 - 2/8) was my spouse's birthday. We jetted off to Vegas to celebrate her weekend and her revolution around the sun. One of the things I'd hoped to do was remind her that she is loved adored and desired. And by saying that, I might add i wanted to initiate sex by sharing how desirous she is. 

We arrived in Vegas late Thursday night. And despite the travel and time change, I held true to my goals. I shared with her how beautiful she was and how much I desired to share intimacy with her. Given how late it was, I didnt blame her for wanting to get some sleep and to try again in the morning. We slept a few hours and we woke up.fri morning. I had one thing on my mind...show my spouse how much love and adoration I have for her. How much I wanted to show that love through intimacy. Well, she wanted to see Vegas...I relented, got dressed and off we went to see the Vegas strip and find breakfast. 

Friday night was the big evening to celebrate her bday. I made reservations at Hells Kitchen for an early dinner. It was frigging amazing! It is not overhyped and worth every penny! The beef wellington was art in a meal. My old fashioned was art to be consumed. From there, we went to Mandalay Bay to see the Michael Jackson one cirque de soleil show. It was extremely moving and amazing...and emotional. Beautiful show! And so glad I had the experience to watch. 

We got back to the hotel in which I was hoping for some sexy time. She took her clothes off and immediately went to sleep 😴 

Saturday morning was here and I rolled over with the plan to initiate not with words...but with action. I snuggled up behind her with kisses on her neck, shoulders and back. I guess due to all the walking, she was 'sore' and wanted to get up and move. We walked some more along the strip and checked out the inside of Ceasers palace hotel. Its amazing of the sure size of these hotels/casinos. We checked out the fountains at the Bellagio casino and afterwards headed to Emeril Lagasse's restaurant before closing out the evening watching Eddie Griffin. He is one of my favorite comedians and unfortunately, he is no longer one of my favorites. He had 3 or 4 too many Macallans and then started to talk about queen, and trans folks. We stayed until the end but the last hour of his show wasnt enjoyable. 

It was a late night but I wanted to hold true to my goal of initiating intimacy while there. Granted my intentions were from a good place, no sexy time was had sat night either 😔

Jan 28th Haikus

I've been on a haiku writing tear as of late. Here are the recent ones:

Artistic license

Because I do what I want

While breaking the rules

Haikus are cameras.

Tools of the trade with basic

rules to break later.

Writing this haiku

for the soul purpose to use

'Lisa' in print prose 

Monday workdays aren't 

so bad. As long as u get

in a great workout 

Tuesday is here. I'm 

excited to see and hold

my partner all night

I am much more than

a wave. I am also the

entire ocean

I want to be loved

in such a way that is non

manipulative 

The last one is my favorite of these!!

OMJ

Jan 23rd Haikus

Haikus created today 

Deep conversation?

Sure! But dont talk about me

And what I do wrong

Every cell inside

me has been altered beyond 

full recognition

Yes you can go out

But you can only be out

For about an hour

What's sex, love and goop?

It's an amazing show about 

Sacred touch and love

Stretching isnt for

Those who want a quick fix or

Shortcut to fitness 

Don't ask me to speak

Then get mad my opinion

Dents your narrative 

Running fast means to

Run slow, to get smooth,

Efficient then fast 

Until next time

OMJ

Self

Self-preservation

Is putting your mask on first

Before all others

Spoken Vulnerability

U want sexy time?

Then no hard conversations

Of vulnerableness

Yesterday was a really hard day. I didn't sleep well and I had to physically go into the office to work when it was supposed to be a work from home day. Fortunately, I had the opportunity to meet a dear friend for lunch which really reset my day. We had fun discussions and the banter was really what I needed. 

From there, I drove home and got productive. I changed into workout clothes and performed my first strength workout of 2026! Afterwards, I slid on my running shoes and ear buds for a short but efficient 3.5 mile run. I was feeling really good!

Since it was Thursday date night was in full effect and my endorphins were charged, I asked the missus if sexy time would be in play. It was a resounding 'yes' and I could not wait for date night to start. 

We go to our favorite restaurant. And while there, I shared with her some pretty vulnerable shit. I admitted to her that shutting down when we argue was my way of self-preservation, meaning its just not worth the stress of arguing when u genuinely dont feel.you're being heard nor the thing being argued about will change. From there, it went downhill. 

We started talking about our health as older adults and the need to have hormone levels checked (including myself). I support her need to have them checked and have offered to attend appointments with her. But somehow, it turned into an argument with her feeling as if I don't think she's doing enough in support of her health. Feeling it get out of hand, I dropped it and we left to head home. 

 We got home, i changed and got comfortable. And then it began. She was upset that I 'chose' to have hard conversation while on the date which disrupts her ability to focus on sexy time. She felt we have check-ins on Saturday/Sunday mornings for that purpose. I didnt think our conversation was all that hard. And if it truly got hard earlier on without my knowledge, I feel it's up to her to pause it so that we can discuss it later. 

It's so frustrating to feel as though the goalposts move every time I try to do something that involves her. I don't talk...well why arent you talking to me?!?! I do talk...well now isnt the time to talk about that thing!?!? I rarely feel as though I can get it right. 

Am I that unfocused and in my own thoughts to not pay attention to anything outside of that? Am I so forgetful that I am losing sense of time and agreements? I feel as though I am this crazy person with some warped sense of reality around her. Should I really take a test to find out what my mental/emotional deficiencies are? I would think by knowing them, I could better combat or support myself as I relate to others. But I really do feel as though my sense of reality is far different than hers and that scares me 

Meh

The day started out like any other. I woke up, showered, got dressed, set in 1.25 hrs of traffic, worked, drove to chiropractor, ate a late lunch and came home. C and I talked a bit and then I went upstairs to watch a little TV. Before I knew it, I'd fallen asleep. Up to that point, i was feeling my usual, upbeat self. 

But since waking up, I can only best describe my mindset as 'meh'. I'm nmotivated to workout, unmotivated to run, unmotivated to study for this certification, hell unmotivated to watch TV. What is wrong with me? 

A couple guesses:

1. By only eating once today, my usual desires (fitness, etc...) have been thrown off 

2. I'm feeling anxious about the pending winter storm coming this weekend and basically had all plans canceled 

3. Same pending winter storm will likely delay my partner from getting back into town until early next week

3a. In delaying her return home, it means more time spent with her other partner

4. Wondering if I can endure C for the next 4-5 days while winter storm passes

I think all of these possibilities are weighing on me. My mind is in some kind of loop with all the doomsday thoughts of feeling unappreciated, no one fully understanding or getting me, and not feeling desired. I am really missing my partner something fierce 🫂

Meh

Stuck at home anxious

Hoping the winter weather 

Harmlessly passes

OMJ

Polyam

Its been a decent week around here. The weather is about to get ugly and may introduce the first winter storm of the year to the area. My partner is in Jacksonville visiting family as her dad's birthday was yesterday. She planned to spend time with her partner who lives there as well. The weather has created a predicament that I've had to process a bit that I know I'll have to ultimately deal with. 

What's this predicament u ask? Well, icy weather is highly probable in metro atlanta beginning Friday night through possibly Monday afternoon. Therefore, for her safety, she may need to travel back home by Friday morning or, as late as Tuesday morning. But given her job, she needs electricity to be able to power her laptop. If she comes in early Fri, there's the possibility she may be without power (and internet) to do her job given the forecasted icy conditions. Whereas if she stays in Jax, she can work but will go nearly 10 days in Jax without seeing me.

The rational me says "stay in Jax until the roads are clear". The emotional me says come on back to metro Atl before the weather strikes. And if need be, drive to a coffeehouse or a friend, or even to my home to work. But that puts her in a vicarious position and could jeopardize her safety given the threat of ice on the road. The other thing that I haven't mentioned is that remaining in Jax until Tue also means additional time for her to spend with her partner. I dont particularly feel good about the fact that bothers me, but it's the truth.

Speaking of her partner, he was in another state for a family member's funeral. Apparently, he lost or left his phone somewhere and was unable to contact my partner regarding his plans to see her while in Jax. My partner was obviously pretty sad and feeling all the feels for not hearing from him. Knowing how that feels from my own experiences, I tried my best to soothe and comfort her. I think it helped but he finally did reach out to alert her of his circumstance. She's relieved (as well as I for his safety and well being) and she will likely see him given the update. 

I'm processing my own feelings about this. In polyam, it's kind of expected that sometimes u may have to hold the pieces together for your partner as a result of something you aren't responsible for. In this case, I am providing positive encouragement to my partner for not hearing back from her other partner. His safety could be in jeopardy or, he maybe an emotional wreck as a result of his family member's passing. Or, maybe he is sick after being around family. All of these things could affect his ability to communicate to her. The downside of this is following hearing from him, I am sure my partner is ready to see him soon and all is forgotten regarding the anxiety exhibited earlier in the week. 

This is part of what makes polyam a difficult track. Sometimes u have to be the bigger or better person to hear your partner talk about someone else. Sometimes u have to support or talk positively of that other partner even if deep down, you don't want to. Sometimes, u have to hold your partner up when the other partner has done something to bring your partner down. I've been there many times and will support my partner, no matter the cost. Each situation is unique and this particular circumstance is no different. I support her need to spend time with him, I support her need to process when things arent going right with him, I support her need for a different perspective as well as a reframing of the situation so that its not all 'gloom and doom'. But its not easy and I usually have to lick my own wounds to get past it 😊  

I will move on. But I do hope to see her soon as possible. I miss her terribly and the possibility of not being able to see her until Tuesday really stings 🐝 Here's to hoping the weather forecast turns out to be mostly a rain event instead of an ice/snow event 🫂

Peace or Piece?

"Yeah, yeah it goes like this right here

Like uh, niggas always be hollerin', "Peace"

You know what I'm sayin', "Peace my brother"

Peace this, peace that, you know what I'm sayin' but

Every time I, uh, try to get a peace of mind

Niggas try to get a piece of mine

So I gotta grab my piece"   Big Boi  (Outkast)

Peace of mind seems so simple, but nearly impossibl to achieve. I've had high blood pressure most of my entire adult life. And I've had multiple doctors tell me to stop stressing. But how the hell do u not stress when life all around u is full of constant stressors and stress? Stress at work...stress at home...stress commuting to and from work/home. The world seems to be built on stress. How do you escape it? 

Stress is fucking killing me...literally! 🤬