I Survived!

I survived! That's the post 😆

A Partner's First ENM Moment

My partner is in route to Jacksonville to visit her parents...and to explore a physical relationship with someone else other than me. I have emotions and feelings about it. But am i  justified? Absolutely not! I am married and celebrating my wedding anniversary on a 7 day cruise. I have no right to not give her the autonomy to explore that possibility.

I do want her to enjoy her autonomy around her sexuallity. I will adjust, eventually. He'll, it's not even about me. 

But I want her to know that I love her, and support her need to explore sexual Independence. 

Alone - and why I Choose to not be Alone

Back in late September, I flew to visit my parents, sister and half-btother before the Bucs/Eagles game. It was a fantastic weekend but something quite interesting occurred. My folks were headed out of town for the weekend so other than the day I landed, they would be gone until the end of the week. 

So I'm sitting in the house late Thursday after dropping my folks off.  I realized at that exact moment, I'd never stayed in my childhood home, by myself...ever! Never ever! That weekend was the first time I'd stayed there alone, as a child or adult. 

This opened up some feelings. Some good, some bad. The most impacting one was that I don't like being alone most of the time. And why is that? As i started to ponder it, I begin to think about my childhood and how during the summers of my teenage years, I was left at home, unable to go outside nor have friends inside. 

All of this was stirred from a question my spouse has always wondered about me. I never ask to spend time alone. When she leaves to do whatever, I make it a point to not be home alone. Is it because I feel its a wasted opportunity to hang out with someone else or, is it because I don't want to be alone?

I think in this instance, two things can be true. It's a lot of both. I dont want to be home alone, and I do want to utilize that time to hang out with others. But sitting within myself and answering that question has settled me in a lot of ways by understanding where it comes from. I appreciate the universe and the many people that have supported me while I figure it out 😘🥰

Analogy of the week

Here's an analogy of how my week has gone. It's basically like opening new tabs on an web browser. They keep opening new tabs as new things pop up during the day. But once the task is complete, the tab doesnt get closed. So at he end of the day, I have hundreds of tabs opened and my brain is processing them as though they havent been completed. Which is why it's been so hard for me to get to sleep. But in the morning, the tabs are all closed but they start to reopen the minute I open my eyes. 

Consistency

Apparently its something I don't do with my Journaling lol. Its been a crazy, wild, but fun summer. I wont even bother to go through everything that's happened. But its been very exciting with lots of adventures.

This week, my partner and I have been trying to find better ways to communicate around how we express if we are physically interested in another partner. We had an incident where I lost my cool after an overnight event she shared with someone else. I felt blindsided and over the course of the week, realized she was digging this guy wayyy more than she'd let on.

We are good now. I dont think she realized it bothered me as much as it did. But I'm happy we have had the hard discussions to talk about what we need from the other. 

I'm hoping to be more consistent posting these entries. Here's to consistency ✌🏾

November 1st 2024

Today is my 27th wedding anniversary! It's been mostly good. More great memories than not so great memories. We are celebrating on Florida's emerald coast and because we both enjoy seafood and wonderful dining experiences, we are excited to see what the area has to offer. We drove yesterday and stopped at a restaurant that's makes its own beer. I had blackened grouper (of course) and one of their blonde ales. It was soooo tasty! No complaints so far!

Today, we woke up a bit late (we are on Central time zone so we gained an hour) but made great use of it by sleeping in. We enjoyed coffee/tea and blueberry Muffins on our balcony overlooking the gulf. It was a beautiful morning and I look forward to several more mornings of this. 

Looking forward to sharing more! 

Similarities

My in-laws are in town this weekend. My father in law has a good friend whose family threw a surprise 80th birthday party for his wife. The missus and I were invited to the celebration. 

It was lavish and fun! Catered food at a large home in the Emory area. Africans know how to celebrate! But about 5 minutes after entering the home, i literally saw someone that looked like my deceased maternal grandmother. 

I stood there, in shock! I couldn't stop looking at her. She had a full head of gray hair that was combed upwards into a shorter afro. Her hairline resembled my own hairline. She was dark skinned and her mannerisms were just like my Nana. I could feel the tears swell up in my eyes. 

A flood of emotions came over me. Mostly happy memories and feelings. I started to recall how as my grandmother's only grandson (at the time), I always got to sleep in her room when my sister and my other two cousins would stay at her home when we were kids. I started recalling climbing the big oak tree in her side yard, that no one else could climb it. I remembered all the dogs she ever had and running around the backyard with them. And there was the convenience store shortcut, behind her house through the woods, that eventually became my haven for play. 

By the end of the night, I gathered the fortitude to reach out to her and share with her the similarities I saw in her with my Nana. She was 80 years old and so appreciative that her presence was able to bring joy to a complete stranger. And no, she is not family (lol). I wished her well with her travels, she offered a hug which I gladly accepted. 

Thank you Nana for appearing in human form as a reminder of the strong bond we still share. U were loved by many and u made all your grandkids feel special 🥰 Your memory and the energy u poured into me, I'll never forget the life lessons and I hope to pour that same energy and passion eventually into my kids/grandkids.