75 'Moderate' - Day 1

Today is my first day of the 75 Hard challenge. The original challenge is 75 straight days of completing the following:

1. A daily photo of yourself

2. 2 workouts, 45 mins each, one of them.must be completed outside 

3. Consume a gallon of water

4. Choose a diet plan, no cheat meals and no alcohol

5. Read 10 pages of nonfiction

Because I'm very athletic and habitually working out, I've modified it for my benefit to include:

1. A daily photo

2. 2 workouts 30 mins each, one of them will be outside and the garage counts as outside

3. Consume 100 oz of water 

4. Choose diet plan (intermittent fasting), no cheat meals (no food during 16 hr fast) and no alcohol.

5. Keep a daily journal

I modified it to fit my needs and desires. Some may say it doesn't count, but eff em! 

Today, my plan was to strength train this morning however, my back was not happy. Therefore the morning workout was a 35 min zone 2 bike ride on the trainer. 

The second workout was actually pretty hsrd...cutting the grass (lol). It took 90 minutes to complete with mowing, edging and blowing. I've hit 100+ ozs of water and with the completion of this journal, day 1 of 75 'Moderate' is complete!

Check In

     Two weeks ago today, I was in a hospital gown having arthroscopic surgery on my left shoulder. I tore my rotator cuff and labrum months earlier while performing some olympic lifting at my home gym. I haven't had a sound night of sleep since the injury and look forward to sleeping again without the aid of awesome pain/sleep medication. Post surgery pain has been under control and aside from the rigor of physical therapy, I've slacked on pain meds.

     Now that the holidays are here, I'm finding myself trying to get into the holiday spirit. The kids are not little any longer and I'm finding it harder and harder to have the spirit of Christmas. You know, that jolly, happy, be thankful for what you have kind of feeling? I just don't have it. I can tell you everything that I don't have (lol) but can't really say what I'm thankful for having.

     I have started to see a therapist to discuss my inner demons. So what are my inner demons? I have many. Probably my biggest demon is that I tend not to share my feelings over fear of hurting someone else's feelings. I internalize them and eventually, I begin to resent the individual that I won't share my feelings to. That single 'demon' has caused about a year of frustration at home with the spouse, as well as relationships outside of home.

If You See Me...

"If you See Me"

First Verse
If you see me walking down the street one day,
Don't say nothing to me...No No Nothing
Cuz you did me wrong, while I was doing bad,
So bad I didn't think, I was going to make it

Now although I'm feeling free,
Freer than the butterfly, flying high now (ya ya baby)
I don't feel no riches, any different though
But I'm doing better on my own

Chorus,
If you see me, walk on by
Don't say n-n-nothing,  walk on by
Do yourself a favor, walk on by
Don't say n-n-nothing,  just walk on by

If You See Me You Tube Video

This song was written and produced in 1975 by a group called 94 East. It was a group Prince belonged to before launching his solo career. My wife purchased the 94 East CD during the summer in the mid 90s while exploring a retro music store looking for something different. When she returned to school that fall, we listened to the 2 disc album on repeat and this song was the one that stuck with us for years to come.

The past couple days, I've had a situation where a guy seems to really be hellbent on getting a rise out of me. He's ruffling feathers so to speak. I've kept my cool, but I needed to pen some things so that I can move on.

I've never really been a petty person. And I refuse to be petty on the social medium that he and I share. But dammit, it's hard to NEVER respond to things that bother you. So this is my attempt at being petty knowing this blog is one of millions in the nether-regions of this thing called the internet.

Don't be upset if we are in the same place and I don't acknowledge you walking towards me. I don't know why you care about this issue. It doesn't involve you or your quad. We've stayed away from you and your quad at your request. But for some reason, you're all up in my shit and feel the need to be judge, jury and executioner of all things 'me'? I can't be any clearer to you when I say stay in your lane. Trust me when I say I will stay in mine!

"I don't feel no pain, it doesn't hurt inside
 and I'm doing better, on my own"   94 East

Pictures

A picture is worth a thousand words. There are about as many words I could scribe detailing why I feel like this kid.

I live in a home with two teenagers and a wife of more than 20 years. But I can't recall a day in my 42+ years of existence where I have felt so alone and disconnected despite with them all within arms reach. Unless I am helping someone with homework, providing a meal, money, or car service to/from one of their events, the kids don't talk to me. The missus? Well, let's just say silence has been better than talking as I usually get the raw end of the celery stick if we talk. She and I are having some difficult moments. We are both at fault, although I'm sure she feels I am at fault much more. 

I've never been one to live inside my own head or to be alone. I find myself in that boat right now. And it's driving me insane. I've always been 'the social one', the life of the party. Most have moved on, and it makes me wonder. Have I changed? Did they change? Am I changing for the better/worse? How do I move on? Do I need to continue this place of solace and solitude? Hell, am I going crazy?

I can't answer any of those questions currently. But maybe at some future date, I can answer some or all of them. For now, I'll sit on a bottom with my head between my knees living inside my own imagination. Unless, someone wants to get my attention to discuss anything to distract me from myself.

Sight Seeing AUC Reflections

    Yesterday, my spouse's cousin and his wife, were in town for a public health convention. We agreed to meet them Sunday morning at OK Cafe, a local eatery on the northwest Side of town. I drove directly to the cafe to put our name on the list to get a table for six while she drove into town to pick them up. The timing couldn't have been any more perfect! As they got out the car to greet me, our name was called to be seated (AJ for the win!).

     As we were getting seated, my wife nudge and pointed to my left. Lo and behold, my best man was sitting across the aisle from me having brunch with aunt! We did our pleasantries, caught up briefly before sitting back down to order. We ordered our food, which was delicious by the way! If you're ever in metro Atlanta, definitely check out OK Cafe. There are many more brunch spots if you want higher end food and pricing, but you cannot go wrong by visiting this place.

     While in town, the cousin and his wife wanted to spend time visiting the AUC campuses. AUC is an acronym for the Atlanta University Center which is a group of historically black colleges and universities in SW Atlanta (the SWATS). Myself, my spouse, and her cousin are all graduates of AUC schools. We drove down to campus and parked between Spelman College and Clark Atlanta University. Expecting to be able to walk onto Clark's campus, we figured that was the best spot. Unfortunately, the gates were locked and we had to walk around out of the way. 

Being back on campus was very much like coming home. The same feelings I get while driving to my parents home, I felt while walking the campus. It created a buzz of memories that I haven't felt in over 20 years. Walking down Westview Dr, looking at the finger of MLK as he points North to the campus he walked over 70 years ago,I thought "I walked those same sidewalks, sat in those same classrooms". Walking up the hill onto campus, I passed classrooms where I cried due to poor performance on a test, I passed my dormitory where we had weekly black light parties. Eventually, we made it to Kilgore hall, where some of the best spades games were played ever! All those memories flooded back into me. Walking past Nabrit Mapp Mcbay (NMM), I could hear Dr. McBay educate us on particle in a box theory, past Merrill Hall where we learned even the smallest droplet of water is bad for a heat lamp (LOL), down to the quad on CAU's campus where weekly 4pm games of flag football ensued every Sunday after watching our favorite professional NFL athletes showcase themselves. It was beautiful to think back to those times.

As we began to walk away from campus, the cousin wanted to recreate a picture under the MLK statue at King Chapel. We crossed the street so that he could recapture that photo opportunity. I sat there, staring inside of King Chapel. Probably the greatest moment of my life occurred here. This is the place that introduced me to my now wife of 20 years. Many Thursday evenings, Saturday and Sunday mornings were spent in this building for the purposes of practicing our musical selections, as well as Sunday morning services where we performed those selections. But that was never really the point why i attended services. I never really desired going to church to sing. I continued to go to these rehearsals and and morning services so that I could spend more time with her. So that I could walk her back to her dorm afterwards to share experiences and talk about the future. We re-traced those steps as we walked towards the Spelman Gate.

So many memories flooded my being while back on campus. I believe I needed to experience this informal 'homecoming' of sorts to remember the things that are important to me. I needed the reminder that all of those experiences are part of the building blocks of who I am today. When things seem to go astray or seem off, it helps to remember to keep it simple and go back to the basics. I'm now in my forties, with nearly grown children, a great job that affords us many blessings, and an awesome wife. Those conversations 22.5 years ago about the future? The future is happening or in some cases, has happened. Now, we have to figure out our new future together, sans children as they continue to grow and become responsible, self-sustaining adults themselves. It's time to have more future discussions but this time, we get to be selfish about our desires. 

I never thought a random afternoon to sight-see my old stomping grounds would resonate so much emotion. I'm thankful for being given the opportunity to be reminded of my past with hope that it will provide clearer direction of my future.

To the love of my life:

I love you more than my own life. I still can't see my adult life without you being a part of it. The past 20 years have had wonderful memories, not all of them great. But I look forward to the next chapter of our love and building better memories with a lot less painful ones."

AJ

No Guns Are Allowed...

This song and video have been on repeat while I crank out this blog (played approximately 15 times). It's all I can think about in light of the story of Jonathan Ferrell. Jonathan Ferrell is a former Florida A&M football player who had recently moved to the Charlotte area. On a early Saturday morning, he crashed his car on the side of a road in Northeast Charlotte and walked approximately a half a mile to the nearest home looking for help. The lady, who answered the door, did not recognize him, closed her door and immediately called the police. The police, later found him not far away. He ran toward the police officers at which one of them tasered him. He continued running toward them. Several shots were fired at Ferrell. He died at the scene.

The events I described are are fact. Are there missing elements? Of course. But here is what we know. Another unarmed man is now dead at the hands of the ones that take an oath to 'Serve and Protect'.  This hits home on so many areas because I can surely see myself, my father, my ne or my son in the same predicament has this young man.

I'm very much worried about the safety of myself as well as my 15 year old son. There's no time in our history where a man of any age, has the chance of dying at the hands of gunfire than now. It seems to me as 'shoot first' enters the mind of gun holders as well as those sworn to protect us instead of common sense. There are many who would argue why this young man ran at the police officers. Keep in mind, he was in a car accident. He may have been injured, cut, and just happy to see someone who could help. Did they ask for identification? Were there instructions from the officers asking the young man to stop and show his hands? I have no idea. Again, it's two officers and one victim. Shooting to kill was excessive and unnecessary.

I will continue to teach my son to always be respectful of everyone, including the men in blue. Because he's driving age, I've covered with him exactly what to do if he is ever pulled over. Ironically, it's the same instruction my dad taught me over 20 years ago.

• Hands at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel or both hands out the window, palms open.
• You answer with Sir or Mam. Be respectful to the officer
• When asked for license and registration, do not make sudden moves while reaching with your wallet. In fact, talk to the officer as to what you're doing as you reach for it.
• Do exactly what the officer says if they ask you for anything.
• Look them in the eye and speak the truth, regardless of the outcome.

I'm not at all implying this young man caused his own death. Please don't confuse my words. I could have very easily done the same thing. However, I've never thought that the above words from my dad may have saved my life. I just hope they save my son's life and health from the 1% of the law who vigilantly take the law into their own hands. Although my father will never read this, Thank you for everything; Your stories, your lessons, your example. I hope one day, my children will feel the same way about me as I feel about you.

And to the family of Jonathan Ferrell, I grieve with you. I'm sorry for your loss and sincerely hope something positive can come from this.

- AJ

"Bullets do not choose a victim, It is the shooter that picks 'em"    Drake

I don't think I was in a good place last I wrote. My! How things have changed! I've started to take back my time to do the things that I wanted to do. For example, I've finally pulled away from coaching. Despite the fact that I love it dearly, it takes up so much time, especially on weekends. From time to time, I have coaches ask me about practice plans or a specific drill. In those situations, I will help out, but I'm in no way obligated to do so.

So where do i start? First off, I'm happy. Very happy! Job is going well, kids are doing well in school and beginning to find themselves. My wife isn't so happy with her job, but we are doing well. Me? I'm happy about several things. One, I've begun to return to working out again. Not so much in the gym, but outside, sweating. Earlier in the year, I started running again, only to learn I really despise running (lol)! That's okay though, because I discovered many more things that I do enjoy doing besides running. I've discovered that I really enjoy bike riding.

I took my El Cheapo mountain bike to a few mountain bike trails in my county. By no means am i the fastest on the trail however, it's so exhilarating to fly by trees and shrubs at 10, 12 sometimes 15 mph! And it's a great workout!

On Sunday, I bought a road bike so that I could ride with a couple of my roadie friends. I took it out today to do a quick 30 minute ride. In about half an hour, I rode about 7-8 miles, which is great considering I have not done much biking. I hope to do a group ride this weekend to see where I stand with other beginners.

Lastly, I'm dating, again! I found a wonderful lady who happens to share my love for all things physical and strenuous. She's a cyclist as well and has discovered her disdain for running as well (lol). It's great to talk cardio or cross-fit with someone who really enjoys it. Again, I'm really happy!

So there you go. That's the latest and greatest of me. Here's to a great rest of the week :-)

- AJ