In your arms is where I want to live and die"
Prince "Soul Sanctuary"
The quote above is a song lyric from one of the greatest song writers of all time. This morning, as i was driving home from visiting my partner, this song came on and those lyrics were being whispered through the speakers into my ear. I immediately started balling ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Those song lyrics 20 years ago hit very differently than they did when I heard them today. How so? Glad u asked the question (lol). 20 years ago, we were working toward 10 years of marriage. Things were never perfect, but they were great and I genuinely believed her arms were where i wanted to live, breathe and possibly die.
Today was the first time since we said "I Do", where hearing those lyrics generated anxiety and doubt. I lost it! Uncontrollable crying to the point of consoling not being at all helpful. It's the first time my body (and mind) have said in unison to my conscious "Hey there buddy! I know you're in your feels and whatnot about your spouse and what may or may not happen. But as of right now, u might wanna put more thought into your future self with her. OUR peace is paramount and we won't negotiate that!".
It's left me in serious mourning of our past and anxious about what our future may (or may not) be. It's scary as hell and really for the first time, i am seriously contemplating a future without her. My partner has been amazing throughout this morning's ordeal.
Since that moment, I've spoken my truth with my spouse. I know it was hard for her to hear, but she listened. She didn't try to talk over me. And more importantly, she didn't offer to fix a thing, which is what I wanted. She needed to know my ugly, transparent truth regardless to how it made her feel. But I spoke my truth, cried some more, and have now journaled to continue the processing. Yay! Go me! 😘💋
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