Peace or Piece?

"Yeah, yeah it goes like this right here

Like uh, niggas always be hollerin', "Peace"

You know what I'm sayin', "Peace my brother"

Peace this, peace that, you know what I'm sayin' but

Every time I, uh, try to get a peace of mind

Niggas try to get a piece of mine

So I gotta grab my piece"   Big Boi  (Outkast)

Peace of mind seems so simple, but nearly impossibl to achieve. I've had high blood pressure most of my entire adult life. And I've had multiple doctors tell me to stop stressing. But how the hell do u not stress when life all around u is full of constant stressors and stress? Stress at work...stress at home...stress commuting to and from work/home. The world seems to be built on stress. How do you escape it? 

Stress is fucking killing me...literally! 🤬

It's a Wonderful Life - Part Deaux

Today is a new thing for me in that the missus and I celebrated our second ever Christmas holiday without kids. The first time ever was before kids. This time was a first as an empty nester couple. I'd watched It's a Wonderful Life early in my twenties and enjoyed it, but there were parts that resonated with me and many that didnt due to lack of experiences. However, watching as a fifty year old hit very differently. I'll explain 🙄

There's a scene in the movie where the main character's (George Bailey) uncle loses all the money for the S&L company that was supposed to be deposited while an auditor is visiting. Realizing it's nowhere to be found, George goes home and is mad at the world, his wife and his kids. He loses it and starts destroying all his building drawings, and his home office. The wife and kids are baffled as this is behavior they'd never experienced from him. He later gets a visit from an angel and he asks the angel if its possible to be removed from life as he felt everyone else's life would be better without him. He realizes his own value as family and friends lives are completely different as a result of him no longer being born. 

It got me into my feels...hard! The past year has been difficult for me and without going into a ton of detail, I had the feeling of 'destroying' my home office because of how hard things have been at home, with work, etc...i could empathize with George in that moment. 

Later, in the altered reality, George is looking for his brother who is a WWII hero for saving a boat full of soldiers from a bomber plane. He realizes because he no longer exists in this altered reality, his brother doesn't exist because he dies due to a childhood accident in which George saves his brother. But in this altered reality, the brother doesn't exist therefore, the entire boat full of soldiers are killed by the bomber plane. He decides he wants to live and as a result George's life goes back to what it was previously.

I boo hoo cried watching this as it got me thinking about life if I didnt exist. My kids don't exist. My sister doesn't have a younger brother and lives life as an only child. My friends dont have a caring friend who would give the shirt off of his back to them. I've realized so many people would be without because of my generous nature and desire to support my peeps. What would happen  20 years ago when I saved my drowning niece if I wasnt there? This all weighed heavily on me and I just couldn't hold it in. It started with tears, and when I tried to explain it, it became full on snot bubbles.

What I love about the holidays is the magnitude of appreciation I feel for friends, partners and family. This movie will always be a reminder to appreciate the 'haves' and not worry about the 'have nots'. 

If u haven't watched it recently, it's worth a watch. I hope u don't get snot bubbles like I did 😂

Fear

Desiring to go someplace and not having a ride

Wanting to go for a workout and having no drive

Bending the ear of a loved one who doesn't care

To listen or hear me is beyond disrepair

Making time, spending time and dropping every dime I have to hear u, relate to u and it falls flat...like squeezing a juiceless lime

I'm aware of distractions, but if u make the decision to reach out to me, I emphasize

I will be there as quickly as I can to empathize

This wasn't exactly a poem about things I fear

But to know me is to know I go through brick walls for my peers

- AJ

Peace

Peaceful things and peaceful thoughts:

1. My loved one rubbing my back, feet, shoulders or calves for no reason other than they know I love to be touched 

2. Warm seats in the car after spending too much time outdoors in cool weather

3. A warm fire indoors while cuddled under the softest blanket with a loved one

4. A hike in fall/spring weather to a river or a waterfall 

5. Getting completely high for the weekend in a cabin

6. Wine tasting in Napa valley

7. Going into the surf nude at Haulover Beach

8. Crackling wood candle wicks while reading smut with a loved one

9. Sailing to a deserted island for the day in the Caribbean.

10. Sharing a different type of coffee everyday for a week in Costa Rica

Gobble Gobble 2025

It's been a wonderful thanksgiving day. I started the day by getting up and doing something 50 minute easy run with my partner. We completed about 4.2 miles which was a perfect way to start the holiday. Of course, we spent time chatting, and kissing. We talked and laughed and were happy to see one another. I do wished there were more time for more shenanigans 😈

I came home in time to put Mac n cheese, dressing, and candied yams in the oven. From there, I showered and got dressed for dinner. My two youngest kiddos came over and they each, brought a friend. The laughter of 20somethings is so contagious! We giggled and laughed for over an hour. 

But like most great meals, someone's gotta take the time to put away food and clean up. It took me nearly 2 hours to get it all done. My spousenis sick so it truly left everything on me. But its okay. I'm just glad its done and over it. 

For now, I'm relaxing with hopes of getting up to get in a workout in the morning. 

Snot Bubbles

I cried snot bubbles upon coming home this morning from seeing my partner to discover my spouse purchased me coffee while she was out shopping. But u see two bags of coffee? Because yesterday when I met with my partner, she'd purchased me coffee as well. Id been telling my partner all day that I needed a good cry and was on the verge, but it just wouldn't come out. I get home and see the bag of coffee from my spouse. And the water works just came. Snotty nose, couldn't form sentences...all of that. 

I have never felt so loved and adored. And given the past week where I fell flat with people pleasing, they still think the world of me. I wont go as far as to say I don't deserve it, but it makes me want to do so much more for them both. They mean so much to me and I will make sure I share that with them both. 

Things Realized

Finally back home from an week-long vacation. Our flight from PR to MIA was late taking off which backed up everything. We were supposed to land at our home airport at 8:30p. We didnt land until 1030p, which meant we wouldn't get home until after 12a!

But I slept well (hallelujah!) and have been chatting with both my spouse and partner, which was building my anxiety. I need to be able to not people please and tell a partner that I am in the moment with this person. Speaking of being in the moment, I will likely mute all notifications on my phone from alerting me of things on my smart watch. I really need to just live.

The spouse asked why do I feel the need to have to respond immediately. I had to explain to her that I feel the need to respond because I feel i will forget to respond. I'm really forgetful therefore, I combat it by usually doing something asked immediately so that I dont have to remember it. Problem with that, if I'm working on something else to tend to another thing, I forget the original thing I was working on or I need 15 mins to get back to where I was in order to focus. So my muscle memory is to respond to a text msg nearly immediately, which is now very much a habit.  

Its one of the things I want to share with my partner today as we have a full day of catching up about our past week. So much to say and we will talk about it ☺️