Two Partners, both with NRE

Rough night overnight. My Garmin watch says I slept 4.5 hrs. I'd say that's a bit of a stretch and closer to maybe 3 hrs. Last night was our last full day of the cruise and we ended it in style. The hope was to go to bed and sleep until at last 5a (4a EST). It wasn't meant to be. 

While awake and staring at the ceiling, I made a realization that in the past 1-2 months, both of my partners are experiencing forms of NRE. For those who dont know, that's new relationship energy. My spouse has a brand new relationship with someone she's been interested in for over 2 years. My partner has spent the past week exploring a new sexual relationship with someone near Jax. I assume these feeling for the Jax boo were for a longer period of time relative to how long we have been dating. Both have me in my feelings. 

I am feeling as though I am no longer the shiny, bright new toy...I'm feeling replaceable. Those were all the things going through my head overnight. I rubbed on my anxiety bracelet, I chanted under my breath to remind myself that I am safe, secure, I am loved and desired by both partners. It just didn't work. I found my headphones and started listening to podcasts saved to my mobile device which helped. But I would turn it off because I was so sleepy, but would never go to sleep 😴 

I promised my partner I would engage in the morning. I did share I slept like shit, but haven't engaged about the full context overnight. Neither have we engaged about her evening and overnight with her partner. She's probably dealing with some issues on her own regarding her experience with him as well as the judgement her dad will give since she didn't come home last night. It's not my issue, but I have to give her space to deal with it as well. 

There are lots of things for us to discuss when we catch up Sunday after she returns home. I will be home late saturday night with hopes of 12 hrs of sleep in my own bed 😂 

My partner has no idea just how much I missed her this week 😢 

Today - St Kitts

Today has been a better day. I think I've made things right with both my partner and spouse. More importantly, my health is in a better state. I'm eating well and hydrating. Unfortunately, my sleep is still trash 👀

The photo above probably means nothing to most. But have u ever wondered why in the US the walking signals indicate a white colored man to walk and a blinking or solid red colored man to wait for traffic? I've wondered that most of my life since I was a child. Then lo and behold, I come to Martinique and the crossing man is green! Which makes all the sense in the world to me. Great job Martinique for getting it right 👌🏾👍🏾

Texting the Wrong Person

Trigger warning, maybe? But u have been warned.

Last night. I didn't have one of my better moments. The goal was to enjoy a cruise party and make magnificent love to my spouse of 28 years. That's not how the evening would go 😌

I was speaking to my partner who is in Jax this week with her parents and I knew she was leaving eventually to spend time with her other partner. I had not heard from her so I figured I'd send her a note wishing she had an enjoyable evening and that I loved her very much. The problem? The msg went to my spouse instead 🤦🏾‍♂️

Knowing I fucked up, I immediately owned it and told her as much. She asked me if I wanted to have the hard convo now or later, and I elected for right now. I didn't want that hanging over my head all night causing me not to sleep. So we got up to have the hard convo. I got woozy and lightheaded and before I knew it, I was falling to the ground. To be honest, I dont know if I hit the ground on my own or if someone was watching and gracefully ushered me to the ground. But I spent about 10 minutes talking to a first responder and eventually being wheel chaired to the medical space on the ship. 

I got asked the usual questions. Are u drunk? No, I had one drink. We're u in the sun? Yea, but I've been hydrating all day. Are u eating well? Not exactly. Are u sleeping well? No, not really. They checked my vitals which were all normal and they wheelchairs me back to my cabin to rest. 

After maybe 30 more minutes, I just sobbed to my spouse apologizing for ruining the cruise and not living up to whatever standards. The entire cruise, I was trying to make sure she got her needs met only to realize I wasn't getting my needs met. Additionally, my other partner in Jax was enjoying her week spending time with a new partner. It was too much for my Lil heart. 

What does this all mean? I have more work to do individually. I need to accept being able to not be all things to all my partners and when someone else can offer something that I can't, that's okay. Additionally, I have to be able to let go of expectations and let my partners be who they are with or without me. This shit isn't easy nor is it for the faint of heart. 

But I did purchase what I am calling an anxiety bracelet. I've named it 'Cool Runnings' as a reminder to myself that I'm good, I'm safe, and whatever my body is telling me, its trying to protect me. But most important, I am good and my partners love me very much. I hope the bracelet acts as a reminder for me to tell myself that I am safe and my partners love me. 

Since passing out, I am good. I'm staying mindful of my physical self and teying not to overdo it. Lastly, I've reached out to my partner in Jax to indicate I need to reduce my time texting her to focus on my spouse. She completely understood and I appreciate her so much. My spouse has been really supportive about my health and despite the huge fuck up, she understands. She's hurt, understandably. But we've been able to talk about it. 

This polyam ish is hard yall!

You ever...

You ever stare at a text conversation with your love hoping the bubbles appear to indicate they are writing something and therefore thinking of you? No? Just me? I'll go back to my corner.

Never Sleep Alone

I found this book on the cruise ship I'm sailing at the moment. The title was intriguing and despite it being a relationship book, I felt it went beyond that. I'll start reading it to see where i align with this. I think it will be a game changer for me. 

The first thing in the book that blew my mind was the following quote 

"You must be open to every new experience and you must have no expectations for any experience"

🤯🤯🤯

I Survived!

I survived! That's the post 😆

A Partner's First ENM Moment

My partner is in route to Jacksonville to visit her parents...and to explore a physical relationship with someone else other than me. I have emotions and feelings about it. But am i  justified? Absolutely not! I am married and celebrating my wedding anniversary on a 7 day cruise. I have no right to not give her the autonomy to explore that possibility.

I do want her to enjoy her autonomy around her sexuallity. I will adjust, eventually. He'll, it's not even about me. 

But I want her to know that I love her, and support her need to explore sexual Independence.